Vagina too tight

The vagina itself is never too small to accommodate a penis – remember that its walls are stretchy enough to allow a full-sized baby to pass along it. But it can seem too small for sex if the muscles at its entrance go into a spasm when your partner tries to insert his penis. This is a fairly rare condition called vaginismus.


Some women with vaginismus can insert a tampon without any problem, but others find that trying to insert anything – a tampon, a finger or a penis – makes the muscles contract. Women with vaginismus often avoid having cervical smears, because they think it will be painful or impossible.

Very occasionally, the penis cannot be inserted because the hymen (which is the membrane at the entrance to the vagina) is unusually tough, but this is very rare indeed.

How the woman feels. Vaginismus is a very distressing condition. It is very painful if your partner attempts to push his way in, and you may feel wary that he may do this. You may also have feelings of anger, guilt and inadequacy, and fear that your partner may leave you. Some women withdraw from all physical contact – even holding hands – in case it leads to sex.

How the partner feels. Partners are usually confused and worried. Your partner will hate the idea of causing you any pain. He may think that his sexual technique is at fault.

What causes vaginismus? It is really a deep-rooted phobia of penetration, and perhaps of pregnancy or childbirth. The reason is different for each woman: it can result from some unresolved sexual conflict, from sexual abuse or from a belief that sexual activity is undesirable. You may have had a painful vaginal condition that has left you with a conditioned fear of sex.

Vaginismus should not be confused with frigidity; women with vaginismus are often sexually responsive, but can not tolerate penetration.

Treatment. Vaginismus can be helped. Relate, the counselling organization, reports that of 3693 women seen over a 2-year period, 80% improved with therapy.

Psychosexual counselling. The therapy is not at all frightening. You will be taught how to relax your vaginal muscles and eventually to insert a small tampon. In due course you will learn to insert larger tampons. If you have a partner, the therapist will start by telling you not to attempt sex. Instead, you will be encouraged to resume non-genital physical contact in very small steps, such as holding hands, sitting close together or putting an arm round each other. Quite late in the programme, you and your partner will be shown how you can insert his penis yourself, as if it were a tampon; he lies on his back and is not allowed to move at this stage. Only at the very end of the therapy programme will you be encouraged to have proper sex.

What your doctor can do. To get this psychosexual therapy, it is best to talk to your doctor. Explain that you have a problem with sex, and that this problem means that you have not been able to have sex at all. Your doctor will be able to check that there is no physical problem (such as a tough hymen) and will then arrange for psychosexual counselling as outlined above. A few doctors are specially trained in this area and will do the therapy themselves. In the UK, if you do not want your doctor to be involved you can contact Relate (see Useful contacts or look in your phone book for your local branch). Relate provides very good psychosexual counselling, but there may be a waiting list.